Wtf am I doing here


I am the brainchild, I am the mortar;

with a plastic trophy and an eating disorder...

Keeping it level
python complaints dept.
4:20 in the morning. We are soon to move to Olympia. My throat is itchy and dry and my nostril is plugged. Ears are on fire. Damn allergies.

This move has been difficult but -- I am in a better place than I have ever been in my whole life. Every time I find myself slipping into self-pity, I stop. It used to be a habit, dwelling on what is going wrong and what is screwing me over. Not so much anymore. Every time I feel that urge, I turn it off, and it seems natural. He hasn't made this easy, that is for sure. He is so insecure about himself that he is moping a lot.

He says he is sorry he isn't the man I married. I don't care. How can I get that through to him?! I still love him and appreciate him for what he is and for what he can do for me, not for what he can't. YES doing all this on my own is hard, dear christ it is hard. But it must be done. That's that. It must be done and I will push on to the best of my ability and I will congratulate myself when I come out on the other end.

He's doing what I would often do...looking at the deficits in a situation instead of the boons. Nothing is ever perfect, and change is inevitable - I try so damn hard to make it easier for him, more palatable, but it seems impossible. I can't dwell on his unhappiness though. I have to focus on being damn proud of pulling myself up by the bootstraps and getting done what they say can't be done - a successful chronically ill person.

BE FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELF GODDAMMIT. That is a reminder to myself.

I can do this, and it's going to be great. Times of upheaval are always tough, but this is gonna be so fucking worth it. He has just GOT to get over his insecurities. Be confident in yourself, motherfucker!

Too many months!
Wtf am I doing here
Too many months since I have posted here - truth be told, there have been times when I have been in the mood to write but I have just been too lazy to do so.

At this point I don't really know what to say; I think that things like Twitter and Facebook have sort of forced us into thinking like "blurbs" - long posts have been condensed into tl; dr.

I am doing well...maybe I don't feel like I need to write quite as much anymore because I don't feel as silent as I once did.
Wtf am I doing here
Because the world needs to know.

If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

Barreling towards Winter Quarter
shifty medievals
Winter Quarter begins January 5. I am ready, kinda sorta, I LOL It is a sad sad situation when I am far more excited about the prospect of student loan checks coming in than I am about the learning adventures that await me this quarter.

I just realized I have a doctor's appointment in 9 hours but I am nowhere near getting ready to go to sleep. Not a doctor's appointment, but a therapy appointment. I have done bug all this week, just tried to lay low and not think as much as possible. It is best this way. The holidays can rile up all sorts of messy emotions in people, especially messed up people like me. Not only do I have mixed feelings about family when the holidays pop up; I also - well, to put it bluntly I feel as though I know how Jewish children feel during Christmas. Feels like you're getting the short end of the stick. I just want to stand atop a box and shout at everyone - this "christmas" that you are celebrating? These trees and garlands and gifts, the star and lights; WE gave you these things. We PAGANS who you stepped on and subjugated in order to create your religious empire. You stole our people, our culture, and our rituals and bastardized them.

The Solstice is so beautiful, what it stands for, what it really means. Christmas day is hollow and devoid of meaning for me, both religiously and because of family issues.

See? I get so emotional when I start to think of everything - pandora's box opens. So I choose not to think, just to exist. I have been playing World of Warcraft for something like 8-9 hours a day for the last week. It is novocain for my emotions.

On a final thought, I *miss* the piano. I really truly do. I am a shit player and I know it, I make people's ears hurt I am sure, but gods I love it so. I don't think I will ever have the courage to play for anyone but myself but I love it. It makes me so - happy? I will be getting a digital with one of the checks that come in, to hell with what everyone else wants.

Self-deprecation depreciation.
optimist guide
Just wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my last post. I realize that I need to value myself more and that is one of the things I am going to be working on with my new therapist. Last month I started the process to begin therapy again - I have waited far too long. This time my therapist is male and I was not sure ... hell, I am still not sure how to deal with that. Considering that it is men who have caused most of the grief in my life... but then again women haven't exactly been peachy to me either. I am an equal-opportunity victim! LMFAO. But seriously, it is going to be a new dynamic and he listens remarkably well and I think this is going to be really good for me.

Umm...lessee.... college is over and done for the quarter. I got a D, a B and an A. Yeah. A D. It is a long story, suffice it to say, NEVER take a college level science class online unless you are damn certain what you are doing. But the good news is that my GPA was still over 2.0 so I am no longer on academic probation, which takes a whole lot of pressure off of me.

World of Warcraft. It has sucked me in. It has been my escape lately. I mean, I know that I play it way too much, and I need to ... has anyone else gone through this, where they have to re-train themselves to READ?! There are so many soundbites, so many synopses and snippets of information given to us constantly, that to sit down and read a book cover to cover ... is something that I have been struggling to do lately. I need to step away from the glowing rectangle and reconnect with something that does not plug into the wall.

Husband is ... brilliant, as always. Supportive and kind, even when we have been having problems. A few months back things were a little rocky but it was nothing too major and we are back to being disgustingly syrupy in love with each other. Gah I could just eat this man like a cheeseburger.

Food issues, anyone?

What to think?
Wtf am I doing here
We inadvertently came to a coffee shop in Seattle that is currently filming a commercial. Fat, unattractive me and my companions are ignored while camera operators wait for attractive customers to come in. They want to film the young, slim people enjoying coffee here, and not us. We have literally been in the center of this damn place while the filmmakers take pains with the lighting and camera angles, making sure we are not in shot. We stubbornly refuse to leave and stubbornly refuse to move. they have no asked us to leave outright, they just sigh and lament to themselves that they cannot film the middle of the shop with its luxe leather chairs and reading circle. Because two fat people are sitting there with another guy, crocheting.

I am wondering if I care. I know I am not attractive, I am slightly bothered by this chain of events but at the same time I don't give a shit. Fuck these hipster douchebags and their filming. This one skinny punk is wearing suspenders, an ironic t-shirt of a pig with a monocle and a double-breasted trench coat.

I know I am not nice to look at, sometimes I wish I didnt get so many reminders of it.

asexual homework
College. In a word, that is all. Due to massive personal problems my GPA has been slip-sliding down the drain. I am trying to maintain, though. Just gotta pass the classes, that is my mantra these days. Oh how the mighty have fallen! These last few months have been harrowing, but i will share the one thing that almost ALWAYS cheers me up: The cutest little 10-pound doggie-woggie shnuggle fluffy buns in all the land: my doggins, Tiki:

Is that not the CUTEST face you have ever seen?! And he has bonded with me - I had to lay a doggie bed under my feet at the table where i do my homework - he always lays nearby. he loves his momma, for some insane reason. ;-) I am just glad he does.
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Wtf am I doing here
So here in the Pacific Northwest we have been having a particularly wet and windy spell. It seems to be making almost everyone miserable - except me, that is. My husband grumbles because he feels the weather like this is gloomy.

That's where it gets weird.
Sunny, bright, happy days depress me. Too much sun and I get sad.
Today we were talking over lunch and I said, "You know, I think I have a theory as to why the wet weather doesn't bother me."

See, when the sky is bright and the weather is mild and the sun is shining, there are so many EXPECTATIONS. Make hay while the sun shines, and all that. Don't waste daylight, there is so much that can be done on a sunny day and so many things that you can take advantage of being able to do! It's all a bit too much pressure for me, really. LOL on those bright sunny days I feel so pressured to achieve that it depresses me. Gah, I have no idea if this makes any sense at all but I feel like I can never live up to the expectations of a sunny day.

On the other hand, when most people see dark, wet, windy, rainy weather, their first instinct is to throw the bedcovers back over their heads and sleep the day away! They say, "Oh, it is too nasty out to do anything, this is a great excuse to be lazy." But when I go out and get things done on a rainy day it makes me feel good, I feel accomplished! I feel extra-good about my accomplishments on days like this because I bucked the human instinct to be a lazy bum.

Does that make any sense at all? In a word, I don't mind living in the Pac Northwest at all; I don't get depressed in the rain - on the contrary, it can be so nice to watch sometimes and makes things so nice and green.

There is a tiny resort that my husband and I stayed at for a night a few months back: It's called Ocean Crest and the website can be found here (new window.) The beach there is not a bright, sandy, Carribean-type beach, it is somewhat rocky, cold, blustery and wet. And I love it, those kinds of beaches you get out here are the best, IMHO.
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Because it wouldn't be "me" without some Bloghthings...
asexual homework

Your Spiritual Number is Seven

You bring knowledge and wisdom into people's lives.

You are an expert in many fields, and you give excellent advice.

Right now, your life is about perfecting your skill set.

You are almost a virtuoso at the thing you love best. With some practice, you'll get there.

You are highly intelligent and intellectual. You have profound analytical skills.

But you also have the soul of an artist. You long to create.

You Are a Fruitcake!

You taste like nothing else in this world.

And get ready, you're about to get tossed!

You Take the Road Less Traveled

You see companionship and loyalty as what's most important in life.

You live a life of leisure. You take your time in every aspect of life and enjoy it to the fullest.

You're willing to take a few risks in life. You may not take the road no one travels, but you're happy to take the road less traveled.

You are able to find a fairly healthy balance between work and play. You work when you need to, but you never let yourself burn out.

In another life, you could have been a great artist. You trust your creative instincts enough to let them lead you.

Christmas/Solstice Gifts!
I know I am echoing the sensationalist news outlets right now, but let's face it: almost no one has the money to go nuts at the holidays the way they might have in the past. It's just the truth!

So, as a person who is pretty damn knowledgeable about stretching a penny, here's a couple tips for affordable but GREAT holiday gifts that will impress without making you look like a cheapskate.

Seriously, I have made all of these gifts and people loved them. One year I bought nothing but the ingredients for 21 loaves of banana bread. That was about 3-4 Christmases ago and friends still comment on when I am going to make more awesome banana bread!

Instant mocha mix: I have the recipe somewhere, but it is easy enough to Google. Take instant hot cocoa mix, instant coffee and powdered coffee, mix them all together and put the stuff in little decorative jars. (mason jars work, and nice containers are always easy to find at the dollar store.) On a little gift card, put the ingredients list and attach it to the jar with ribbon. Simple and easy.

Chocolate-covered anything: One year I made care packages with chocolate-covered goodies. Melt chocolate and apply it to things like pretzels, potato chips (yes! give it a try!) cookies and etc. My personal favorite is dipping pretzel rods into the chocolate then rolling it in things like coconut, chopped nuts, sprinkles, or just leaving it plain.

*TIP: Don't use that 'melty' chocolate substitute crap. It's waxy and it's cheap and people can tell the difference. Milk (or dark) chocolate chips go on sale a lot during the holidays and they melt nicely. Add a very small amount of shortening and microwave the chocolate chips in the microwave in 10-15 second intervals, less if you have a powerful microwave. Chocolate can burn easily and does NOT smell good.

Shortbread cookies are pretty easy to make and who doesn't love a shortbread cookie,esp. with a nice cocoa, coffee or tea. Find a recipe that is as simple as possible and you'll get a good cookie that is very traditional. Also, PLEASE never use margarine in place of the butter! I know that margarine is even more cost-effective, but the butter really makes these worthwhile.

If you have a family recipe that will travel well and is really exceptional, then just give that to everyone! Like the year of the banana bread - that is what everyone got and I still get comments. Make sure it is a stellar recipe that you are familiar with to alleviate any further holiday stress.

Like they say, the way to a person's heart is through their stomach, and I have never once gotten a wayward glance or a raised eyebrow at my home-baked Christmas gifts. Maybe some of these ideas will work for you!


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